Kelly

rainy day update

2009-06-20T14:04:56Z

It's been such a long time since I've updated. I've been guilty of such large gaps of time lately. i'm not stressing, though - i still have my actual journal at home. Why do I feel the need to document my life all over the place? - Journals, online journals, random pages in notebooks. I'm easily amused, I suppose, or I just get bored real easily.

But, that's besides the point.

So, summer is pretty much here, and I just feel like so much is happening. The last time I updated was in April. I feel like I can't even remember that far back.

Kristin and I have been working on the house in Brick. We have done major cleaning jobs in every room, major landscaping, and all the while fighting my uncle for it. He is just so irritating. We try to clean and make the house look nice, make it look the way it used to, and he hates it. I've never met anyone in my entire like who hates a clean house as much as he does. It's really warped.

Work is good, same old same old.

Phil and I are really excited about our trip. I really can't wait. He's leaving soon, on July 9. He'll be gone for about two-three weeks, and then I'm shipping over!

Before I leave for Europe, though, is the party! July 11th, 205 Cartagena Drive in Brick. This is the party my sister and I have been planning and cleaning and preparing for all summer.
This weekend we are finally going to be painting the downstairs bathroom. I can't wait until that's finished. After that, I just have to buy a volleyball net, my brothers getting horseshoes, and my sister bought the dart board. We're going to have bocce ball and a huge game of tug-o-war, plus boat rides, food, drinks, music...the works.

I really hope it turns out OK. I hope it doesn't rain.

So...more exciting news from Kelly-world: Iove lost 18 POUNDS since March!! I feel so incredibly amazing. This is really the thinnest I've been since my early highschool years. I started out at 163 and I'm down to 147. I really don't even remember the last time I saw 147 on a scale. Even the fact that I'm saying my weight is awesome for me. In all, I've lost about 40 pounds. At my heaviest ever, I was 180, which was just so embarassing. I remember stepping on a scale and seeing how close I was to 200 lbs and just panicking. So, in about 2007, I was able to come down from 180, and now I'm feeling amazing at 147. I'm still going, too. I don't want to be any thinner than 140, because then I would lose every (good) curve I have. I don't want that, I think staying within the range of like 140-147 is a good range for me. I don't want to be too skinny because I don't think I would look good like that. I like having my curves still. We'll see where I am by the party!

What else, what else...my cousin Lauren and I want to go sky-diving again this year. We went last year, in like..September? I think? Sometime around there. We're thinking of going again. I would like to go when I get back from my trip.
I would also like to plan a white water rafting trip. Again, this stuff wouldn't go down until August, but I feel like that's right around the corner. Plus, I'll be gone for over two weeks, so I would have to get on that as soon as I get home.

If anyone is interested in sky-diving or white water rafting, let me know.

Alrighty well, here we are...another rainy-ass SAturday. Ugh, what a waste of my day off. I'm sure I can find something to do. Phil is still sleeping next to me. He's such a cutie when he sleeps :o)

I should get going - i'll try to update again soon.

Until next time ♥

kelandra @ 2009-03-18T22:34:00

2009-03-19T02:35:09Z

i am so sick of letting the past weigh on me.

fuck the past.

fuck the future.

give me today.

Kelly Found a New Hobby :o)

2008-11-25T22:36:51Z

Mosaic

Day 1:

Day 2:

Day 3:

it felt fulfilling to vote.

2008-11-05T04:42:02Z

Woo Hoo!

Obama!

we're experiencing history. it gives me chills.

kelandra @ 2008-08-29T14:47:00

2008-08-29T18:48:04Z

i went skydiving yesterday and it was, hands down, the most awesome thing i've ever experienced.

i want to go again.

who's down?

(stole from monique)

2008-08-10T14:01:29Z

Go over to Wikipedia and enter your birth date and then pick 3 events, 2 births and 1 holiday that occurred on the day of your birthday.

_January 13_

Events

1. 1938 - The Church of England accepts the theory of evolution. (wooo hoooo! as should everyone else)

2. 1559 - Elizabeth I crowned queen of England in Westminster Abbey, London (1/13 is a day for famous women, what can i say?)

3. 1968 - Johnny Cash performs live at Folsom Prison (and a day for good times)

Births

1. 1961 - Julia Louis-Dreyfus, American actress (i love her)

2. 1983 - William Hung, American Idol contestant (YES! wow, i can't believe he's only 25)

(there were no good holidays, so i opted for a death)
Death

1. 1599 - Edmund Spenser, English poet (b. 1552) (he is the author of the poem where i got the quote for Phil's journal, the one that has a special meaning between the two of us:
To Die in Dust,
But You Shall Live By Fame,
And In the Heavens
Write Your Glorious Name
(it's only a little excerpt, but i love it)

ahhh, what a nice waste of time.

i'm off to shower for the shower (the wit astounds me sometimes, too.)

9 years.

2008-06-16T00:39:20Z

..and father's day still blows.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. I miss you, always.

♥

kelandra @ 2008-04-18T14:41:00

2008-04-18T18:41:58Z

You fit in with: Humanism 0% scientific. 100% reason-oriented.
	Your ideals mostly resemble that of a Humanist. Although you do not have a lot of faith, you are devoted to making this world better, in the short time that you have to live.
Take This Quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

update

2008-04-07T20:48:27Z

ahh, yes...my favorite kind of down time...livejournal updates :o)

so let's see...don't remember what i last updated about, so i'll just ramble.

phil and i are doing extraordinarily well. I am really happy with him and things are great. Soon he's going to be moving out and into a house in woodbridge with his cousin, which is great news because he'll be closer to me and it'll finally be his own place(kind of), and i'll be there with him a lot, and we're gonna get a kitten! wooooo hoooo :o) i think im most excited about the kitten.
it'll be nice to be able to set up the place and decorate it and finally have a place to go that's kind of like ours, you know? i won't feel like i'm intruding as much and it gets me excited for the future as well. It's a big step and i'm definitely stoked :o)
I'm going on vacation in May!!! Since I didn't go to portugal last summer, i had like $990 credit for continental airlines. Sooooo, me, phil, kristin, and mike are gonna go on vacation to the bahamas together! i'm really excited. I am able to buy three tickets with my credit and we're gonna stay in this really awesome hotel right on the beach. we're gonna go from the 28th to the 31st and i really can't wait. i need to get outta jersey in the worst way and i think it'll be a lot of fun.
let's see what else...work's alright, school's the same. I need to find a job closer to me, though. Driving out to Livingston all the time is a pain in the ass and i would love to find a job in woodbridge or red bank and or somewhere closer to home. Gas is a bitch and so is the commute.

I'm definitely missing all of my friends. I have no time to do anything anymore, so i havent been able to see anybody besides phil, kristin, mike, or my brother. i really miss all of my friends and havent been able to see anyone in the longest time. i can't even tell you the last time i hung out was, maybe my birthday? pathetic...i know.

blah, so anyway, i'm just waiting for book and magazine editing, which isn't until 6, but at least i get internet access.

don't feel like writing much more. think i'll go play some bejeweled.

Until next time, my loves <3

note to self:

2008-04-01T05:03:19Z

my mother and my sister are probably the BIGGEST influences in my life, and i don't think i would be half the person i am without them. i love them so much.

i just feel like i had to write that out.
much love everyone...
pleasant dreams & i love you much :o)

another update. im on a roll.

2008-02-06T01:45:53Z

today's is phil's birthday. we're keeping it a chill day.

i got one of the jobs i was going for!!! wooo hoooo

im pretty excited. i landed the receptionist job at the home furnishings place, which is awesome. As far as i know right now it's only on the weekends, but i talked to the guy today and he wanted to know my availability so we could set up a schedule. hopefully it's more than the weekend. but im excited...now i get to wear nice clothes and make myselp up for work instead of wearing a stupid uniform, wearing a nametag, smelling like food, asking customers if they want french fries or bake potatoes, and basically hating my life. THANK GOD!!!!!
i was pretty excited when the guy called me. i started doin the pee wee herman dance in an instrument store with phil. i was pretty stoked.
i also went on an interview today at a law firm in new providence. it was one of the hardest interviews i ever went on. it was pretty intense and they ask you a whooole mess of questions. i did an awesome job, though and handled it well. depending on what my schedule will be with the new job, if i get the job at the law firm, maybe i could work that on the weekdays and bang out the receptionist position on the weekends. the receptionist position pays $12 an hour, and im not sure how much the other one pays. we shall see.
if i get it, i dont know if i'll even be able to take it. the law firm job definitely seems a little harder. im not only an administrative assistant for the firm itself, but i'm also sort of a "personal assistant" for the main attorney. the people interviewing me told me id have to go to the store for him, maintain his datebook, plan vacations for him and his family...it seemed a little much. but, i mean..this was before i got the job as the receptionist, so i was desperate for anything. we'll see what happens, though. if the receptionist job is only on the weekends, and i happen to land the law firm job...i'll take both.
desperate times call for desperate measures.

so yeah..phil's birthday. definitely keeping it a chill, relaxing day. he liked his presents. lets see, we didnt do much..i woke up before him to go to my interview, came back and he was awake and we went for some coffee and browsed barnes and noble(he's a man after my own heart), came home, lounged around and then his friend pez came over. we went to hollywood video and rented good luck chuck, which we couldnt even get through it was so horrible...pez went home, and now phil's doing some writing on his laptop and i decided to update on the exciting news of new jobs and birthdays! woop woop

skipped class today...which is bad...but wutever. class again tomorrow, then two days to babysit, then i train saturday morning! woooo hoooo. im excited. i hope i do well and like it.
i figure i really need a change, you know. something different. i've been working in restaurants since i was 16 and i really need to do something else. especially something that gains me experience in an office environment.
wooooo hooooooo.

so yeah...thats about it for now. i'm sure there's more i could talk about, but i dont really feel like it. im off to do some more contructive things. possibly work on some stories...possibly waste my time on internet smut hehehehe.
whatever i choose to do..i bid thee farewell, my loves ♥

until next time.....

long time no see

2008-02-04T22:38:26Z

i feel like i have a lot i should update about.
maybe it's just me, but i feel like i havent been updated in a long time. oh well, dont have much time, but i'll try.

i dont rememebr the last time i updated. i dont even know where to start....
well, i quit the office, but i think i already said that. STILL havent found a job. so basically i am a waste of life with no job. i dont know how people dont work. i cant. i NEED a job. i have no money to do anything, and it stresses me out.
but wutevs, went on an interview the other day and i'm about 75% sure i got the job, but i'm not definite. i'd be a receptionist for a home furnishing company, which is sweet cause id get to dress pretty and answer phones for $12 an hour. pretty sweet.
if not, i have an interview tomorrow at a law firm, and if not that, then i've also got an interview at applebee's (boo). i really dont want to work at restaurants anymore. im so done with the food industry. i cant take it anymore.

but onto bigger and better things...
tomorrow is phil's birthday. im happy with the gifts i got him. i bought him a subscription to marvel comics ultimate spiderman, cause he's a comic book nerd, also renewed his subscription to playboy. bought him a real movie poster of "from dusk till dawn", cause its one of his fav movies, and it was a cool poster. aaaaand, for the biggie, i bought two tickets to see george carlin at the borgata. he's one of our fav. comedians and im excited to go also.

lets seee.....
yesterday was the superbowl which was superBORING (god im so witty). me n kris left my brother's house early and hung out at her house, superbowl-free. phil came over and we hung out a lil. we finally finished watching the first season of lost. we're goin the DVD route, which is SOOO much better...no commercials, no waiting till next week to find out the cliffhanger. i dont know why everyone doesn't do that?

uhm...lets see...what else has been going on?
school started back up again. it's pretty cool. my classes are alright..i've got enviromental science(which counts for 4 lab credits and is a BREEZE so far), media criticism (which is alright), book & magazine editing (which is gonna be super-helpful and i really like it so far), American Lit from 1865-1914 (which is ehhh..the subject matter's interesting, but the class is long and the professor is only marginal), and last i have Intro to women's studies (so easy, we basically sit around and discuss feminism)
so yeah...all in all, the classes are alright. nothing to spectacular this semester, but that's not a big surprise.

hmmm...what else can i talk about...
i dont really even know. when i try to think of things to write about, my mind just gets flooded with all the stress in my life from the debt i am currently accumulating from not having a job. all the books i had to buy this semester have been crazy expensive, and it's KILLING me. i cant wait to just get a job again.
ideally...i would get the weekend receptionist job at the home furnishings place, AND land the job im interviewing for tomorrow as the administrative assistant at the law firm. therefore i'd have two jobs, one to work at during the week(which also eliminates babysitting), and a job on the weekends that i'd most likely be out of no later then 6pm. that'd be sweet. i could pay off my debt, and also save up for my the $700 im gonna owe in may for my uncle's life insurance. life would be sweet. i'd have NO free time AT ALL, but i mean...i can deal for a little while. just until i get myself back on my feet. my credit card debt is getting deep, and i refuse to let myself sink any lower. if it means working 7 days a week, then so be it. i just need to stabilize myself, ya know?
ahhhh..but anyway..i dont really want to think about that stuff anymore. i have been stressing myself out to no end about it, and i just need to sweep it out of my mind for a little bit.

alrighty, well..i think ive updated on basically all i needed to update about. i can't think of much else.

until next time, my loves!

♥

i love to steal little quizzes from monique :o)

2008-01-16T00:34:00Z

You Are Belle!

Intelligent and kind. Your beauty goes much further than your apperance. Also, you make judgements of people based on their personality and not their looks. Attaining all the knowledge that you can is one of your major goals in life, but you are also a person who can make things happen.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

big changes.

2008-01-16T00:26:19Z

Yeah, so, I feel like so much has happened in the past week or so.

First off, my birthday weekend was awesome. 2008 is definitely unfolding better than 07. Went to Cheesecake factory with my family friday night, then hung out and slept at phil's. Saturday went down to seaside and hung out with katie, jess, liana, lauren, carrie, megan, and phil tagged along also. It was so much fun. We started off the night at Sawmill in Seaside and then made our way to Capt. Hook's. I had such an awesome time with awesome people ♥ it was great to see the brick ladies. i really do love those girls, they are too much fun and i missed hanging out with them.
so yeah, i got pretty smashed that night lol, which is typical for my birthday weekend. Slept at phil's, woke up with a wicked hangover, but it was alright, cause he got me an awesome present. First he shows up with a whole "birthday princess" set which had a crown, a sash that said "birthday girl", fake diamond earrings, and a wand..haha. the crown barely fit me cause it was for little girls, but i wore that thing all day. Then he broke out the real gift, which was a jewelry box with an engraving on the front that read, "Kelly, I'll always love you. Phil", and inside was a BEAUTIFUL silver bracelet with hearts on it. I love it, it's gorgeous.
So then, we drove to my brother's..got to say hi to everyone, kristin and mike came down and were watching football. Then, one of the highlights of the day...phil and i drove down to SONIC! omg, it was as amazing as I thought it would be. It was DEFINITELY worth the trip down there. YUM!
drove home, and then went to go see "The Orphanage", which was SOOOO scary! omg, seriously awesome movie, definitely worth a watch. for those bilingually-challenged, like myself, it was all in spanish (but with subtitles) and wasn't distracting, it actually definitely added to the movie. I think it was from the same people who made "Pan's Labyrinth" and for those who have seen it, you know it's awesome. This movie is "this year's pan's labyrinth" and totally worth a watch, it was pretty effin scary.
so after that, went back to phil's and slept over again.
so yeah...the birthday weekend was really great.

now...onto the changes in my life. I quit the office, FINALLY. Rob came back to manage, and i know that i can't work there and be with phil. not only would i feel weird, but i know he wouldn't like it, and it would just cause problems in our relationship. So, today i went on an interview, like a REAL one...
it was pretty nerve-racking. I got all dressed up in my "business woman" attire haha, had my resumes, sat in a conference room with these two guys, and i think i did really well. I've come to find I work well under pressure and was more well-spoken then i thought i was going to be. I thought i was going to be stuttering and forgetting words like i do sometimes when im nervous, but i finally started to feed off my nervousness and really took control of the moment. I dont know if the jobs in the bag, but it was my first official interview in the "real world", and i'm very impressed with myself :o)
i have another interview tomorrow at a NJ Savvy Living Magazine. The job's only for like a typist and clerical work, but it would be good since it would be experience in publishing, which is what i'm looking for, ya know? The place i went to today, Condor Capital, is a financial business, which is good for office experience, but in the whole scheme of what i'd like my career to be, it's not exactly what i want to be doing. it was pretty awesome, though because the guys i was interviewing with said that if i was to get the job, they would give me more than just receptionist duties (which was what the job was for, originially). They would try to integrate my into this investment planning group and one of my main jobs would be to help with their business proposal writing. They said they were in desperate need of good writers, so along with administrative assistant duties, they would integrate me into that, which would be really awesome and great on a resume.

so yeah...thats about it. also, i think my brother and sister-in-law are moving to like the border of middletown and red bank, which means i would probably be moving also. that's pretty exciting. the house is way bigger than the one we're in now, and i think i'd actually get a room with a door and everything! haha, good enough for me :o)

sigh, so yeah, i'm at phil's now, and we're probably going to run over to barnes & noble soon to just browse. good times good times.

think i've rambled enough for now.

until next time, my loves...

♥

kelandra @ 2008-01-10T00:31:00

2008-01-10T05:44:02Z

crazy freakin night at the office. so much drama.
can't even go through it all.

but, one of the weirdest events of the night:
derek shields coming into the restaurant, and talking to him after about 8 years. let me tell you, it was interesting. it's just been forever, and i dont even know what to say.

there really are no words at the moment.

i used to be IN LOVE with that kid. out of nowhere, comes into my restaurant, recognized me, we talked, caught up. he's still pretty much exactly the same. he remembered so much stuff about me, too, which i didnt expect at all. he knew the last time we talked, he remembered the last time we hung out. it was pretty insane. it really brought back a lot of good memories. i mean, i really NEVER thought i would even see the kid again, and then there he was. it was good, it was weird. it was like, there was such a connection between us back in the day, so much between us, and then we just drifted away. i moved, started highschool, my cousins moved away and i never really got to see him. there was never any closure, just "the drift". i hate "the drift" because no matter what, the relationship is always open to interpretation and always open to change, so when nights like this occur, it's just a little awkward, weird, and like..i dont even know...so to see someone again after all that, there's like, i dont know what there is anymore...ahhhhh it's so weird. not that anything will ever happen, but just seeing him brings back all of that shit, you know? he was the first big one (like, if i had to list all the guys in my life from most important to least, he's definitely in the top three) and there was never closure, so just seeing him again was so weird. i got all sick to my stomach like i always used to and it was just like a rush of old memories.
gah.
i mean, it was good to see him. i guess tonight could be closure, right? he's got a good job, his own place, just got out of an engagement, he met phil...i mean..yeah, it was closer. we caught up and whatnot...yeah.

ahhhh, i just cant even talk about this anymore.

besides, i've been working all day, and my mind went on overload after all the craziness from tonight. i'm tired and i need sleep.

until next time ♥

I CANT GET ENOUGH OF NATHANIEL!

2008-01-06T22:52:47Z

the year is starting out right.

2008-01-06T19:17:52Z

so 2008 is starting out great.
spent new years with phil at his house. his parents were there. it was really nice. dont really have the money to go out and waste on over-priced drinks. it was great, we spent the night talking in his bed, slept well, and spent the next day together. i really feel like i've left all that weight from last year in 2007. i havent thought about anything, i havent stressed myself out. it's been great.
got to hang out with katie! it was great, went down to manahawkin, saw the megans and some of katie's friends, and the highlight of the night..watching ENOUGH! haha. it was great seein (some) of the brick ladies. sometimes it feels like a whole nother life, ya know? i love seein them. katie is forever making me laugh out loud, and it's always such a good time.
hung out with amanda, chris, mauro, daniele, and phil last night. we started the night off at houlihans with daniele's soccer team. then chris and mauro showed up. had some delicious extra dirty martini's. yummers. then moved the party over to amanda's house and phil came over after he got outta work. we played some awesomely intense games of taboo, my teams won in all the games cause im awesome like that haha. a lot of inside jokes last night - "ok, hitchhikers sometimes hold the sign, san francisco or "blank?" "san francisco or blow your load!"; "ok, take the word fuzz and change the vowel" "buzz?"; "coca-sprite? coca-pepsi?"
it was really fun. stayed till like 4, came back to kristins and passed out.
sooo today is my holiday party at work. dont really want to go, but i prolly will. free food and such.

my birthday is in ONE WEEK!
chris and amanda wanna take me out, so i'll try to do that. hopefully i'll get to do something with family, and of course phil and i are gonna do something.

there's still so many people i need to see. my miss monique lazo is number one on that list. more brick ladies, ash, more fam, and i definitely need to get a new job, and send more resumes and such out for the internships.

i have high hopes for 2008 :o)

until next time, loves ♥

random thought

2007-12-19T03:39:46Z

there is nothing sexier than watching a man do something he loves and is passionate about. such intensity, it's a turn on ;o)

so i think i know why i was down in the dumps yesterday

2007-12-14T01:34:43Z

ohhh boy...so im at school yesterday, went to my critical writing class, started feeling sick. figured it was just because i hadnt eaten all day and i had a small bag of peanuts. so, i have a little meeting with my professor and then haul ass outta there.
on the way home, my stomach is a wreck.
i get home and see that everyone else in the house is sick also. about an hour after i get home, i start getting sick. it was horrible. me, brian, & char were in and out of the bathroom all night, all of us sick as DOGS. ugh, it was horrrrrible.

so, today, i spent the entire day in my room watching movies, eating saltines & ginger ale, and napping. so, basically being an absolute waste.

but im feeling a lot better, and im excited to be able to get out of this house cause cabin fever is definitely setting in. wish the weather wasn't so shitty so i could go somewhere. oh well.

so, the rest of my night seems like it's just gonna be more tv, movies, and i'll prolly watch "perez sez" tonight @ 10 cause im a sucker like that.

adieu ♥

ps- my birthday is in exactly ONE month :o)

blah

2007-12-12T19:54:06Z

so, another day at school. at least today is the last day of classes. i just feel like it's not ending nearly quick enough.
i feel like i have so much to do, and so much weighing on my right now. I hate this feeling. And the worst part is, there really isn't THAT much, you know?
i just feel really out of control, and i hate that feeling. I have no money, and i'm trying to find another job to help me out in that department, but it's just not going well.
I never see my friends anymore, and it sucks so bad. i wish i could, but it's hard. i never have free time, and when i do, i dont feel like driving an hour away. it sucks.
living with my brother, and having to bounce between his and my sister's house is definitely taking it's toll on me. i can't stand it anymore, i want out. i know its great that they're helping me and i dont have to pay rent or anything, but all the driving and all the bullshit really isn't worth it.
phil and i are alright, i guess. i've just been completely out of control with bad thoughts more often lately. he doesn't know about this, and i've been hiding it really well, but i just can't ever seem to shake the feeling of impending doom for our relationship. no matter how hard i want to concentrate on the good, which there is a lot of, my mind always drifts back to what he did, those other girls, and how capable he is of doing it again. I realize that this is me and my insecurities, and he's trying his best, i know he is. It's just me and my mind and how it betrays me literally everyday.
i wish i could find a way to really get over everything, but it seems like the farther back into the relationship we get, the worse my thoughts get. It's literally like every single day i reflect back on everything, and make these scenarios in my head of all the things he did that i didn't even know about.
i really feel like a crazy person. it's horrible, and i know it's not doing anything but hurting ME. i wish i could just get over it, but i can't, and sometimes i really think that that's what's going to get in the way between us.
blah.
i just want winter break to come so i can finally have some time to myself. the only free full day i have is sunday, and i can't get anything done on sundays.
i feel constantly on edge. Like, i'm always this close to exploding on someone, and i know that if such a situation was to arise, i probably would.
i just want school to end, and i want to go home and go to sleep. sleep is the only escape i have right now from the bullshit of real life. how depressing.

let me try to keep my thoughts positive...
hmm..
went xmas shopping yesterday, bought gifts for my uncle for the xmas party, so thats out of the way, thankfully. I'm done with mike, kristin, half of the baby's presents, and some of phil's. That's another thing, i know he's got like zero money right now (even tho he continues to sleep in everyday till 12..ugh you dont know how that bothers me, but ANYWAY...), so i dont even know if im getting anything from him. isn't that kind of shitty. i mean, i understand neither of us really have the means to buy nice gifts for eachother, but at least i'm out and getting him little things. i told him i didnt really expect anything, but in a way, i do, ya know? he's never really gone out of his way to get me anything out of the ordinary. nothing extravagant or anything i can really show off. it sucks, but it's my own fault, i guess. if i wanted a boyfriend who'd buy me shit, i would've stayed with mark, but i chose someone i really care about, so i guess i shouuld stop bitching. but i just wish he would go above and beyond and do something that's just like, awesome, ya know? he used to when we first started dating, like with the hotel room with the flowers and candles, and all these meaningful little things he used to make for me. now, we just kind of drift along, taking advantage of the fact we're back together...AHHH
i've gone back into negative mode..lol..i can't stop!
alright, let me try to focus on something good again...ummm....
my birthday's coming up. but that isn't all that great, so next topic...
ummm
i got an A on my english term paper, which is cool.
hmm
uhhh, i'm doing kinda sorta alright on my diet. at this time last year, i was a good 20 lbs heavier. not that im really exercising like i used to, but i'm kiiind of eating better. i could stand to lose another 20, and then i'd be in the best shape of my life. that happening is kind of doubtful, but i have high hopes for 2008, so i think i could make it happen.
i am happy to be with phil again. i know that most of the time i focus on all the bad, probably a little too much, too, but really overall, i love him so much. i need to focus on that a lot more. got to sleep over his house last night. i love sleeping with him, i really get the best nights sleep in his bed, with him. the mornings are the best when you can just roll over and he's right there, all warm, and he has these reactions, hehe, they're actually really cute. he'll be dead asleep, and if i like go near him, or put my arm over him, he automatically holds me really really tight like a teddy bear. lol, thinking about it is making me chuckle out loud a little bit, it's so cute.
that's my mission for the day today. i have to focus and talk about every good thing in my life. it really does make me feel better. it's the little things in life that bring smiles to our faces, ya know? it's really easy to focus on things that bring us down and make us mad and then dwell on them and take it out on other people. but, i'm going to think of the little things from now on. just talking about phil's little sleeping habit made me a lot happier.
thinking about driving home and having all of my favorite songs on my ipod while i drive makes me happy.
even walking to and from class and taking in the day makes me happy.
i have to stop being so negative, it's really bringing me down. if i dont like something about my life, complaining about it isn't going to help. i have to change it myself.

aaaalrighty, well i think i've ranted enough, and i did lighten my mood. that's all that matters, right? being happy and just enjoying little things and life in general.

hope everyone finds some kind of little happiness in their lives today. everything isn't so bad. sometimes we just need to be reminded.

motivation.

2007-12-09T17:27:28Z

give me some.

i've got my fitness labs and term paper down, one more term paper to go, and i just can't bring myself to want to start it.

someone send me a healthy dose of motivation, preferably in the form of an extra large cup of coffee.

it would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

and if not, come and do my journal analyses of Faustus. good fun, really.

aloha

2007-12-05T19:22:49Z

I'm sure there's a lot more I could be doing right now, but instead, i'll update my livejournal.

There have been snow flurries all day today, and I love it. I finally have a warm coat, so i don't loathe the cold as much as I did last year. That's all it took, i guess.
So, how are things going for me?
Same as they've always been.
I've been applying to a lot of office jobs as a new part-time job. Not only will it give me more money than the goddamn office, but it will give me experience to put on resume's for a real job. My resume isn't too bad right now, but I would really like to have office experience. Plus, i think if i score a good office job i can wriggle my way out of babysitting. oh, joy of joys, that would be a happy day.

Phil and i are good. We went on our little date to ihop, and he told me he wants to make us official, which is a good thing. It was really bothering me, and the fact that he's serious about this makes me feel better. I just really need to get away from the office because everytime phil and i work together, rob comes in, and it's so annoyingly irritating, and it gets phil all upset, and then the whole night just turns bad for us. It's really annoying.

So the semester is almost over, which is a great thing. I haven't been too crazy about my classes, and am really looking forward to vacation. I know i don't really need it, but hopefully i'll use the time wisely, build up my bank account and try to stop worrying so much about money.

I am also super excited about my new years resolution. I am going to give up something every month. I've already started this month because I didn't feel like waiting till January. I've started off by giving up smoking. I've been doing great, even though it's only the 5th, i can still proudly say I haven't smoked at all for five days. Soon i'll be able to say I didnt smoke for 10, 20, and maybe, hopefully, I can say I haven't done it for a year. I just don't want to do it anymore, and I know i've tried to quit in the past, but now i just feel like it's so stupid. It's a huge waste of money, and when i'm straining for finances right now as it is, it just seems silly to be putting money i need to something so frivolous. it's just silly, and i know i'm smarter than that.
i just wish i could somehow persuade phil, but i know thats a lost cause. i'm dating a chimney.

anywho...
thursday should be fun. My mother, kristin, and I are taking the baby to the city for a photoshoot. Then we're going to meet up with mike and go to dinner. I love being in the city during the holidays. I just love being in the city, period. Really is my favorite place. wish i still went as often as i used to. i just dont have time anymore, and no one ever really wants to go, either. I don't mind going by myself, but i would definitely prefer company, and everyone's just either too busy, and or just doesnt want to. Tragic.

sigh

so, my 22nd birthday is coming up. i'm getting old. i really want to do something fun for my birthday.
i'm really not hoping to just do to a bar and get trashed and wake up with a hangover. been there, done that.
i want to do something completely different, but really fun, ya know? i'm so over the whole going out, getting drunk, having fun for the few hours i'm there, and then not even rememeber most of what happened the next day. I've done a broadway play, i've done a comedy club, i want to do something i've never done before. Still haven't quite figured out what that is, but hopefully it'll come to me. if anyone has any ideas, lemme know :o)

i have homework i have to do, but i just really don't feel like doing it. i'm so lazy sometimes. wish there was a cure.

alright, well...this is enough for now, i guess.

until next time...

...adieu ♥

should i believe in "signs"....?

2007-11-29T17:47:37Z

so, last night, i may or may not have gotten a "sign" and, i mean, it hit me like a sign, but i dont know if i should act on it.

so i was at phil's house, and he was talking about how he wants to do a little celebration-type thing for december 2, which is the first day we ever hung out and started to get to know eachother. i'm a little bit against this. see, right now, we're basically back together in a relationship, but he doesn't want to make it "official." i don't know why, he just gives me these bullshit reasons that he gets all crazy and weird once he's in a relationship, which is true, but the way we are right now...we see eachother every night, talk everyday, and we're basically acting the same exact way we did when we were in a relationship, he just doesnt want the title of it.
its really been pissing me off lately, because obviously, if he doesn't want an "official" relationship, there's gotta be something else going on, ya know? but he's constantly trying to reassure me that there's no one else, and i believe him to an extent because i am with him every night and neither of us would have time to see someone else without the other one knowing, but really, that doesn't mean too much since he did cheat on me before and we were the same way. i dont know, it's just been really getting to me lately.
so thats the background of the situation. now, back to last night...
our first hang out, we went to ihop after work and shared this dessert, so we always said that we'd do the same thing every year. ya know, it's nothing big, but it has emotional history and whatnot.
so he's talking about wanting to do it, and i was a little wary because of the fact that we are not officially back in a relationship. i may have been looking too deeply into things, or overreacting or whatever, but i really didnt feel right celebrating a relationship we aren't officially in anymore. its almost like celebrating a dead person's birthday, ya know?
so he gets all offended, and i start explaining to him why i feel that way, and sometimes he can be so selfish when it comes to emotions. i mean, i've been bending around him for a while now. i've been letting this whole thing slide, and just been taking things day by day and being "ok" with his sudden relationship "phobia". but last night, i started telling him how it gets to me, and it just seems like he doesn't understand why it bothers me, or just really doesn't care.
so i leave his house, driving home, and i'm texting him, ya know, asking if he realizes why im mad, and i get the generic "yeah" answer, with "but you dont know how much im in love with you" thrown in for good measure. which obviuosly shows me he has no idea, and instead of trying to figure it out and straighten this whole thing out and get it out of the way, he just kind of ignores it. so i text him back with a message that shows that im obviously still upset about it, but i say goodbye at the end. i know it might be asking a lot from a guy to try and read my (very obvious) feelings of distress, but instead of inquiring any further, he just replies with a goodnight. this got me really upset. i mean, i know i should know by now that trying to get a guy to read my feelings is like asking him to recite me the greek alphabet, but i make it so blatantly obvious that i'm upset, and it's either that he doesnt pick up on it, or that he just doesnt want to deal with it, which i think is more likely. and if thats the case, then im gonna stop fucking trying to make things right between us, too, ya know? its not fair that im constantly stressing myself out because he wants to "stay single" and trying to accomodate him. i mean, this asshole hurt me enough, and i really dont need or want anymore. i dont know, not to say that things are really bad between us now, they're not at all, its just this whole situation that is getting under my skin and really getting me sad/upset. its hard enough to trust him as is, why throw in extra stress?
but anyway, back to my sign story...
so, i get phil's "goodnight" text at 2:11 am, at 2:12 am, i hear my phone go off again. now, i'm really upset with him for being so careless, and i'm getting my hopes up, thinking it's him saying something more, something that might make me feel better. of course it wasnt, but it was mark.
now, i really really liked him, but i was in the process of reconciling with phil back in september and would constantly blow mark off for phil.
we stopped talking because i literally blew him off every single time we had plans, so he got mad and we stopped talking.
so...we hadn't spoken in a while, i was pretty sure i wasn't ever going to speak to him again.
then, not even a minute after i get this uncaring text from phil, and im expecting another typical oblivious "guy" message from my makeshift boyfriend, it's mark.
i know it's not a big thing, but i always pay close attention to the small signs in life:
"kinda wish you didnt stand me up a billion times. you were def a cool chick. by the way, i never figured out the word." (that last part is referring to this IQ test he had on his phone and the only question neither of us could figure out, and we literally spent HOURS.
it sucks, because i did really like him, but phil and i had just really started talking again, and i really wanted to give him another chance.
now that i'm in the midst of that second chance, i dont feel secure with him in the least. sometimes i actually get very scared of the thought of being with him forever because the trust factor is just so shaky.
i dont know, im not sure if i should have given mark a chance. i mean, i had a hardcore crush on him, and we hardly even got the chance to know eachother THAT well.
its hard. i really love phil a lot, but ever since we first started dating again, i feel like he's putting minimal effort into us, and is being really selfish. he obviously sees how hurt i get by his stupid decisions and supposed "fear" of commitment. it's bullshit, and it pisses me off. but still, i keep giving him chances. i've become that girl i never, ever wanted to become.
i mean, ok, he really hasn't done anything yet to merit a complete breakup, i suppose? he's been great, and we've been having a good time. there's still a lot of love there, but he KNOWS i dont really trust him, and yet he continues to spit this bullshit of commitment phobia, and all i see it as is a way for him to easily be able to break up with him should he find someone else. but then again, i am completely insecure, and i know that a lot of the time, i will think of the worst possible scenario, and dwell on it so much, that i actually take it as truth. i will then take it out on him. i'm definitely not innocent either, but i've really been trying to better myself and not subject him to my insecurities. i think i've been doing alright, but i resent the fact that he's not trying to better himself in any way either. i dont think its fair.

and then i get little signs, like last night, and i just confuse myself even more.

oh well.

enough of that, i dont even want to think about it anymore. i gotta feed the baby, and i got my rant out. so im happy :o)

i'll get a real update of my life soon enough. i just need venting every now and then.

until next time...♥

blah

2007-11-12T19:51:02Z

well, it's been a while since I had an actual update.

everytime i try to update, i lost interest and end up doing something incredibly pointless.
i think i've not been wanting to update because there's both good and bad in my life right now, and i dont know what to talk about, and i'm still really confused about things, and, ugh, i dont know.
i've been getting in these horribly dark moods lately. i'll stay in them from either an hour to up to a week, and i am just not myself.
could be the weather, the darkness, or just me feeling unsure in my life, where it's headed, and the decisions i've made.

currently, phil and i are basically back together. we still havent made it official, which is just weird cause i want to go out and meet people and flirt and whatnot, but at the same time i feel like i'm back in a relationship. i need closure, or just a real definition of what exactly we are.
we've been working together again, and people at work are asking me if we're back together, and i dont really know what to say. i say, "basically", but i just feel really stupid saying that.
we had some pretty awful fights in the past couple months, and i always think its the end, and of course one of us goes back. like, last week, i was ready for a break-up through text messages. i feel so out of control with everything. sometimes i really dont want to be with him, and sometimes my stomach becomes knots at the thought of losing him again.
sometimes i really wish that we had just broken up for good this summer, but again, other times i convince myself that we're back in this for the long haul.
there's just so much confusion and still a lot of hurt from both of us. he cant seem to get over what rob and i did, and I just get these horrible relapses and get mad at him all over again for what he did to me.
this really is such a hard time in reconciling. im putting myself into this relationship again, and i know he is, too, and every so often we both have relapses and feel so hurt. i can see when he's hurt, and i know he knows when im hurt.
ugh, i dont even want to talk about this anymore. you see why i dont update anymore? writing about this shit just further reminds me of the horrible state of confusion im currently in and i dont want to deal with it.
i know this would be the best way, because other than this..i'll be happy, or at least content in life and live normally, and then, inevitably, i will have these dark, depressing days where i dont want to leave the house and feel a pit in my stomach and want to cry all the time.
today is one of those days. i feel the knot in my throat right now and just want to leave school and run away for a couple days until im happy again.

then again, i stop for a minute to think and realize that im unhappy about so much more than that. i just feel unhappy with everything. am i channelling all of my anger onto him because it's the easiest outlet? sometimes i think so. i mean, it doesnt help that we're in such a shaky situation right now when he used to be the only person who was stable and "there" for me in my life. maybe i'm just unhappy in general? i mean, really, im not where i want to be in my life. im basically stuck living at my brothers house until i graduate college, stuck babysitting, stuck constantly having to depend on people, and all the while i continue to be so lazy and withdrawn from everything and everyone. my social life has gone in a downward spiral since the summer, my health is going down, too. i just dont seem to care anymore. i stopped going to the gym, stopped seeing friends, stopped eating healthy, and i wedged myself into a ditch that's getting deeper the more time goes on. i dont care about school, i just dont care about anything. i would rather just stay home and do nothing. i stopped writing in my journal, i stopped writing in my livejournal.
i mean, obviously, just by writing one day, i'm realizing i'm letting myself slip into a depression. i alienate people, and worst of all i alienate myself from everything that makes me happy. i wish i wouldnt, and i guess i need to force myself. i know me, i sabotage myself all the time because i dont think i deserve to be happy.
it's bullshit.
i have such self loathing sometimes, and then i take it out on phil, we fight, and i arrive at an even worse state. i'm always the harshest with those i love the most. i fall into a hole, and then try to blame everyone else, when really it's just me who makes myself unhappy.
blah.

even writing this little entry helped, i'm realizing there's no one else that can help me but me.
everyone deserves happiness.
i can't let sadness overcome me. there has to be a balance of both good and bad, and i find myself purposely focusing on the bad and letting it consume me.
guess i just have to work harder to maintain myself.
blah.

today sucks.
maybe tomorrow will be better.

i like these lyrics :o)

2007-11-08T23:31:00Z

I'm in the business of misery, let's take it from the top
She's got a body like an hourglass it's ticking like a clock
It's a matter of time before we all run out...
When I thought he was mine, she caught him by the mouth

I waited eight long months
She finally set him free
I told him I couldn't lie, he was the only one for me
Two weeks we had caught on fire
She's got it out for me, but I wear the biggest smile

Whoa...well I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now
Whoa... it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now
But God does it feels so good
'Cause I got him where I want him now
And if you could then you know you would
'Cause God it just feels so...
It just feels so good

Second chances they don't never matter, people never change
Once a whore, you're nothing more, I'm sorry that'll never change
And about forgiveness, we're both supposed to have exchanged
I'm sorry honey, but I passed up, now look this way!

Well there's a million other girls who do it just like you
Looking as innocent as possible to get to who
They want it what they like, it's easy if you do it right
[Misery Business lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Well I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!

Whoa...well I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now
Whoa... it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now
But God does it feels so good
'Cause I got him where I want him right now
And if you could then you know you would
'Cause God it just feels so...
It just feels so good ...

I watched his wildest dreams come true
Not one of them involving you
Just watch my wildest dreams come true
Not one of them involving ...

Whoa,well I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now ...

Whoa,well I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now
Whoa... it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now
But God does it feels so good
'Cause I got him where I want him now
And if you could then you know you would
'Cause God it just feels so...
It just feels so good